So here I am doubled up, a bar under my knees, my arms under the bar,
both tied to the bar. I am unable to move and not at all comfortable.
There's a canvas bag over my head and I've lost any perception of where
exactly I am in the room, this is after nearly 8 hours of being captured,
stripped, searched and interrogated. My captor pulls my head and legs
closer together, I grunt with pain, he whispers in my ear "Prisoners
in Vietnam spent months like that and you are whinging after only half
an hour." At that point it was like a door opening in my mind,
and all the pain went away, I thought 'I am going to deal with this,
I can do it and I will not let this guy get the better of me'. It was
a moment that was very powerful and something that I did not expect.
point you are probably wondering what sort of trouble I had got myself
into, where in the world I was, some third world country with a bad
human rights record? Well no it was an innocuous terraced house in South
London, being given a taste of what the Army does to train soldiers
to resist interrogation. I had come here of my own free will and allowed
myself to be subjected to 8 hours of being tied up in various positions
of increasing discomfort and be on the receiving end of some the techniques
used by the professionals. So how had I come to be here? I had asked
myself the same question, and to be honest I don't really know, it just
happened. That may sound strange, but it is true. If you had said to
me as little as 2 months previous that I would be allowing myself to
be given a going over by one of the Army's trained interrogators I would
have said you were mad. It is the latest part of a journey of discovery,
one that has lasted over twenty years and has taken some strange twists
and turns along the way.
begins when I am in my late teens, and I started developing and interest
in Rubber. The Sunday papers used to have discreet adverts from people
like Weather Vain and South Bucks Rainwear advertising for "Rubber
Mackintoshes". These adverts interested me and started me on a
journey of discovery. I can remember saving up my first wages and travelling
to Weather Vain in Richmond (they are still there) and buying my first
pair of Latex pants, and the trips to the various Government surplus
shops in London, like Laurence Corner and Silvermans and buying various
waterproof and immersion suits.
replied to an advert in the Exchange and Mart. It was a private ad and
had loads of stuff for sale, Dry suits, gas masks, waterproof suits
and more. I plucked up courage and phoned up, and then visited. I met
a very friendly, warm couple, who now after fifteen years, are good
friends, and who have given me some guidance along my journey. I came
away from that first visit with an Avon Dry suit in black rubber, it
was something I had dreamed of, and now I owned one. The two guys I'd
bought it off were very keen to meet again, and I maintained contact,
at arms length, and visited from time to time and tried on a few of
the things in their collection. I had never had any physical contact
with another man, and did not wish for it, but I was happy to get dressed
up and enjoy sensations the gear produced, and was happy that they got
something out of the meeting and seeing me in the stuff. I would have
dearly loved to have shared my fetish with my various girlfriends, but
was too shy to risk broaching the subject, so it remained my own little
secret, which I was happy to keep to my self.
5 years of occasional meetings with the gay couple I eventually had
my first overtly sexual experience with another man, nothing too heavy,
just a groping session whilst we were both dressed in some rubber outfits.
I left later that day wondering what the hell I had done and whether
or not I was Gay. I was convinced that I was not, I had no physical
attraction to another man, but only a sexual attraction to the rubber
gear he was wearing. The guy was just a clothes horse. This may sound
cruel, but I don't mean it that way, he is a very genuine guy. A year
or so later I met a guy, again through the Exchange and Mart who was
also selling some gear, and I ended up giving him a blowjob, while he
was dressed as a Policeman. Again, the image was the thing that turned
me on, but this time I was really worried. I had taken a step further
down the road and was really beginning to worry about my sexuality.
I managed to discuss this with a friend I had grown up with, and trusted,
but he was not sure what was going on. I decided that I knew my own
mind, and that I had no attraction to the person, only the image that
they portrayed. The two gay guys I had met years previously had acknowledged
this fact, so I decided that I would carry on broadening my horizons,
and worry about the emotional bit later.
were being broadened, I gradually realised that all sorts of rubber
suits, wellies, waders, gasmasks etc.. held some attraction as well
as a growing interest in police uniform, although I had not yet purchased
any police kit. As time moved on I started to travel further afield,
my work as an engineer allowed me to buy gear without arousing any suspicions,
it was not unusual for me to have to wear wellies or waders in my work,
so why not buy the sort that turned me on. Some people thought that
I must go to work and be turned on at the thought of wearing stuff that
would turn me on, but no I always segregated the two, sure it was nice
to wear a pair of rubber waders, but I was always focused on work. There
was a time and a place for everything. I managed to build up a reasonable
collection and kept on adding to the collection as time and money allowed.
years ago I answered another ad in the good old E&M, this started
a new friendship with a guy who had similar tastes, and he could get
hold of some of the gear. I bought a lot of new gear, especially the
Firemans kit, which I was becoming interested in. We had a few things
in common and our friendship flourished, he was gay and very experienced.
We have never had any contact physically and he was happy for me to
enjoy myself. He tried hard to convince me that I was gay and reasoned
that the images that attracted me were almost exclusively Male, and
that I never had any hankering to get involved with women in the gear.
This was not strictly true, I had fairly old fashioned views about sex
with women, and believe that it should be part of a relationship and
not just something that you do for kicks. The fetish that turned me
on was separate and was impersonal. Although I would have loved to have
involved several of my girlfriends in my interests, I knew that it would
never be, as I could not risk them possibly publicising my secret, I
was happy to leave it that way.
As I continued
to broaden my horizons, the single guy continued to try and convince
me that I was gay. This was becoming disturbing as I was beginning to
try out more things, and with the Internet available now, my horizons
were being broadened at an exponential rate. I was seeing loads of new
things, some of which I had heard about, some I had seen, but not wanted
to try and quite a few things that I had not seen or heard about. I
was following up all sorts of leads on the Net now, and the vast majority
of the websites that had stuff that interested me were gay oriented.
Again that niggled away in my mind. I tried to find sites that were
more heterosexual, but they tended to be mainly bored models posing
or stuff that did not interest me. So I was stuck with the option of
looking for the websites that interested me, but had a gay slant. The
gay people that I knew looked at the sites in a slightly different way,
they looked at the guys in the gear, whereas I just looked at the gear
and the images that the people portrayed. The sight of a policeman or
fireman was a very attractive image, the person that was behind that
image was immaterial, just as long as the image was credible.
person still trying to convince me that I was gay, my stubbornness and
self-knowledge kept me believing that I was not gay. Other people that
I knew, and whose views I respected agreed and said that they could
see my point of view. However I was still experimenting with new things
with this one gay friend. My reasoning was, if he enjoys that so much,
I'll try it once just to see what he gets out of it. Some things I tried
I liked others I disliked, this was starting to make me wonder about
whether I was not facing facts, just kidding myself along with everyone
big step on the journey came when I was talking about various websites
and gear in general to somebody who said that a friend of his was writing
a story and would like a bit of background information about the plot
and some of the technical details. The story was about a fire-fighter,
who was tentatively interested in bondage, and was on his own journey
of discovery. He wanted someone who was experienced to cast their eye
over the story, and I'm a trained fire-fighter (among other things).
e-mailed a copy of the manuscript, which I read, and found very interesting,
I rang the intermediary and said that the story was very much on the
mark, but there were a few things that I felt I could possibly give
some advice on. The friend suggested that I contact the author direct
and have a chat with him, which, I did. After a brief phone conversation
I had made an appointment to visit him and discuss things face to face;
which for me was a big step into the unknown.
up to London to discuss the fine points of a story on the voyage of
discovery of a straight man who was interested in Bondage with other
men. I have never been into bondage, I had seen plenty of it on the
Internet and had seen some obviously posed stuff in magazines, none
of which had interested me in the slightest. Not knowing what to expect
when I got to this guys house, a quick natter over a cup of coffee,
give the advice that I thought I could help with the authenticity of
a fire-fighter's background, and away. An hour, two hours tops I thought;
get up there for nine in the morning then on to work after that. It
was four in the afternoon before I left. Apart from being a wonderful
host, the guy was an amazingly interesting person, university lecturer,
expert in human anthropology, TV and stage director, expert in escapology,
advisor to the police on matters of S&M, founder of a company making
bondage equipment and above all, a very good judge of people.
the story and then went onto what I was interested in and where I stood
at the moment. I told him about the increasing doubts about where exactly
I stood regarding my sexuality, and the comments made by various people.
He understood what sort of a quandary I was in and explained that sexuality
was not black and white / straight or gay but a variety of shades of
grey. There were lots of people that he knew that were straight, but
liked to play with other men. They had varying degrees of attraction
to men, some like me just liked the image, others wanted a more intimate
contact. This made me feel a lot better, at last I had found someone
that understood how I felt and put my mind at rest.
he showed me round his house, showing me his playspace, along with items
of bondage equipment, he explained how the items worked and what the
effects could be. I was interested, more out of curiosity. I had always
wondered what a strait jacket was like and he showed me several types.
The next thing I know he was putting me into one and strapping me up,
showing me the various features and ways to allow and stop escape. He
then showed me other devices including handcuffs and leg irons. I left
that afternoon with a new found curiosity.
later he invited me to visit again, this time to meet some other people
who were on their own journeys of discovery, both at different stages
of development. I arrived and the other two guys were already there
busy discussing handcuffs and bondage techniques. These guys knew their
stuff from a practical point of view and were obviously way ahead of
me, but they listened to my story and later showed me the intricacies
of handcuffing procedure and the use of side-handled batons. Turns out
one guy trains the police for a living, but is interested in kinkier
stuff as well. We took it in turns to cuff each other, and tried out
the baton as well. Later we went to a local café and had lunch,
all the while busy discussing the merits of various different techniques.
I sat back for a moment and thought how weird it was that I was sat
in a public place with three guys, seriously into bondage, discussing
how to handcuff and hog-tie someone in the most efficient manner. Just
as if we were talking about the best way to grow vegetables. I left
the meeting feeling that these guys were just like me, not gay, but
people who liked to play with men. I felt that I had finally found some
kindred spirits. I have never been one to be bothered about peer pressure,
I am not someone who feels they have to be with the "in crowd",
and I am happy to spend time on my own. I am not bothered by convention,
and love to think laterally. I get a real buzz out of solving problems,
especially if no one else can.
strange thing was that I was becoming attracted to bondage. I suppose
with the benefit of hindsight, the police thing that interested me was
an indicator that I was showing an interest in what I soon learned to
call Power Exchange and restraint, rather than bondage, but only in
a subliminal way. The surrender of control, being arrested by a policeman
appealled ... but this would be a dangerous and completely new path.
always been used to being in control, taking responsibilities, sometimes
responsible for other people's lives, having to be totally accountable
for my actions. This was the first step on that path, to have someone
else take control of me and do things to me that I had little or no
to subsequent meetings I was shown techniques and was allowed to try
them out. I was fought into a straitjacket, by two guys just to try
and prove a point, that it could be done in a particular way. I was
tied up and strapped to various frames and contraptions to see how effective
various methods were. I was genuinely interested and keen to learn from
both sides how the control and surrender of control could be a powerful
#(Army topic excerpt)
months down the line and I was hooked. Having been given loads of material
to digest, stories of other people's journeys, I was keen to learn more.
then contacts me and says that there was someone he wanted me to meet.
We arranged a get-together, and the writer explains that this guy wants
to be tied up and given a relatively hard time. He sent me a story the
guy had written outlining his fantasies, and asks if I would be interested
in helping him put the guy through his paces. Of course I was. It was
still a learning curve for me and I was keen to try out the stuff I
had learned on a stranger for the first time.
who is recently ex-army arrives at the house and changes into his cammo
gear and goes up to the playspace, he is ordered to hood himself and
face the wall. I got dressed up in cammos for the first time. I'd owned
a set, acquired from friends when I worked on various Army bases, but
never worn them as fetish gear. For the next four hours I tied the guy
up in several different positions and ended up suspending him upside
down trussed up in a Sleepsack, giving him a generally rough time and
finally bringing him to orgasm. Eventually the scene finished and I
cautiously let him free, standing over him wearing an Army helmet and
armed with my police issue baton. Cautiously, because he has been swearing
that he will kill me when he gets out.
is free he smiles and shakes my hand and thanks me for a great time.
The feeling I got doing this was brilliant, enjoyed myself, and the
squaddie enjoyed himself as well.
home thinking just how far I had travelled in the last few months, and
how much I had discovered about Power Exchange and Surrender of Power.
And, more importantly, about myself. I had learned about broadening
horizons and not listening to people who cannot broaden their own horizons,
but try to preach to others. I was happy with where I was in the world,
and felt that I had found my own mind, and was happy with the situation.
us to where the story begins. After a couple more meetings with the
squaddie it was his turn to give me a run for my money, which he certainly