Chapter
Three :
Creative recreational alternatives
This book (so
far) may suggest to you an author intensely, heavily, perpetually
involved in a very weird and socially highly suspect activities ...
whatever they may be called.
Let's get that problem out of the way first.
We are
talking about games not lifestyle ... recreation not a career
... private and confidential activities not embarrassing exhibitionism.
Tying-up
games as an adult recreational pastime may seem to be a
bizarre concept. The fact that someone (like me) could imagine it
as a category in the Olympic Games may seem ridiculous: Pentathlon,
Triathlon and Restrictive Practices. My realistic objective here is
to explore elements which combine to appeal, often in an unfocused
way, to ... the kid alive and kicking inside many grown men. The
fact that you picked up a book with this title and have read thus
far would indicate, at least, a healthy curiosity.
The declared
intention of this book was, from the beginning, to deal
exclusively with the impulses behind (and opportunities to enjoy)
man-to-man games of physical control and counter-control on a NON-SEXUAL
LEVEL. This may already have alienated some readers ... especially
those who already know their way around the sub/dom/het/gay/B&D/S&M
"Scenes" (if you'll excuse the jargon). Obviously I am not
denying that certain categories of these Nameless Games can be rampantly
sexual. Unfortunately the vocabulary used to discuss the subject in
general remains imprecise. The word Bondage is, to most non-players,
inevitably associated with Sado-Masochism. S-un-M-un-Bondage lumped
together too often conjures up a threatening subculture. Demystified
it becomes identifiably different groups of people with slightly differing
but related personal preferences, trying to find opportunity to Do
their own thing ... if society would only leave them alone and mind
it's own business. Mutual consent remains the key.
Erotic
Bondage , in all it's complexity, I have explored elsewhere
in a set of notes published as Bondage - Twelve Talking Points.
This is a series of starting points for discussion on the broad subject
of mutually consensual sexual/sensual/physical power exchange games.
Here and now, that is not the name-of-the-game we're discussing.
??MORE on Erotic Bondage??
A lot
of women tie knots very well but, to be realistic, most can
not compete with men in physical games where body weight and strength
are prime factors. However, there are many other games where physical
restraint handicaps are used to redress the physical imbalance between
a man and a woman in mutually agreeable sex-play ... but again these
are not the subject of this particular book (See page 82 for details
of Sally and Malcolm Barrett's book which is an intimate account of
a lifelong SM/bondage relationship.)
Man-to-man
games which include physical restraint, however seriously
competitive, almost inevitably suggest homo-eroticism to people on
the sidelines in the present climate. This myth needs to be exploded.
The rough-and-tumble can, at times, be extremely tactile, intimate
and essentially trusting. Many men, by instinct, might be more comfortable
with the idea of playing Tying-up games with women ... but this
would, inevitably, bring the activity into the previous category of
Eroticism. That is a popular pastime once the players have accepted
their mutual taste for such games. Even then, several men have asked
me to teach their wives how to tie them up more efficiently.
For two men who
enjoy matching skill, strength and body weight to a point where one
gains and retains total physical control over the other ... the inhibiting
factor will often be their social conditioning. Even men who have
grown up playing body contact sports, if still attracted towards competitive
physical games, frequently suppress their interest because they think
they're supposed to have outgrown it.
Results
of this repression too often resurface in real physical violence
in domestic or social life. Quite unconsciously the urge to lash out
is there, like a steam under pressure. A good healthy opportunity
to let off steam is hard to find in everyday life. After college
age legitimate reasons to hit-and-risk-getting-hit are almost nil.
Many men in frustrating occupations, especially one's where politeness
to bosses or customers is demanded, are often driven to the edge of
explosion. After-hours racquet games are no substitute for some sort
of competitive man-to-man rough & tumble. Crime for kicks is
another possible result of a failure to recognise and channel pent-up
energy. Paint Ball games have tapped into this need to add a little
extra challenge to everyday life.
Non-sexual
physical restraint scenarios, whether energetic and competitive
or entered into coolly for a protracted session of surrender of responsibility,
could easily be perceived as S&M. Does that mean, therefore,
they must be the exclusive province of the men who feature regularly
in predominantly gay magazines such as DRUMMER, BOUND & GAGGED
and MANIFEST READER. Many essentially Het men think so. Unfortunately,
the above mentioned magazines and even the more technically serious
SM magazine CHECKMATE regularly imply that sex is the inevitable prize
or punishment in man-to-man Bondage games. This makes it even more
difficult for men who would enjoy competitive challenge, capture,
restraint, endurance, escape games without sex to find opportunity
to experiment tentatively. Although these publications repeatedly
state that you should feel free to Do your own thing in your own
way, and you are free to exclude or include ... they remain intentionally
gay and essentially sex-oriented magazines. That is their declared
aim.
In Bondage
for bondage sake games a surprising number of men prefer,
once the final strap is tightened or lock is closed, to be left alone;
left to struggle and cuss, escape or fail to escape depending on their
skill, energy, determination ... or due to the skill and ingenuity
of their opponent at what ever level of game they have mutually agreed
to play. Physical control games between regular players sometimes
reach the complexity of bridge or chess with an intensely physical
element added. Again I'm talking about a competitive sport ...and
the equipment required is no more bizarre than for hang-gliding, rock-climbing
or motor cycling.
Sexuality
is implicit in other body-contact sports ... in the ring
or on the field ... in the showers and in the drunken brawls which
so often follow games: Machismo and male bonding frequently come
embarrassingly close to something unspokenly sensual if not overtly
sexual. Buddy-ness in the American male is fine - but how often does
it border on dangerous territory? Awareness of temptation to cross
this taboo borderline frequently results in defensive resistance to
any possibility. Rejection of an instinctive attraction towards male/male
horseplay (if no socially acceptable excuse is found) can manifest
itself in dangerous forms. Especially in Red-neck-type culture, decidedly
unhealthy counter-activities emerge such as rampant chauvinism, sexual
ill-treatment of women and homophobic violence.
Underlying
viciousness has no part in SM or bondage games, but the frustrations
which result from unfulfilled, unsatisfying lives can be defused if
recognised. The world promises too much and delivers too little to
too many people. The media sets unachievable goals in terms of material
and sexual expectations. Dreams of achieving what the TV ads insist
are our rights, leave most women and men subconsciously resentful,
or desperate not to admit their failure to achieve this mythical norm.
Alcohol or recreational drugs can unleash this anger, then viciousness
may rise to the surface. That is one reason why in all responsible
SM related activities, alcohol and drugs are actively discouraged.
However, our recurring fantasies and day-dreams often have an intangible
influence on our everyday behaviour, so learning to recognise these
natural instincts for what they are, is a health exercise.
Men who
are uncomfortably aware of unfocused impulses which nudge
them towards situations and imagery outside the norm', lack opportunity
to discuss let alone explore these instinctive urges. This leaves
them frustrated, confused and often defensive. Society in general
does not know how to respond to men who admit they like to get subjugated,
let alone tied up. Any man who likes to surrender power to either
woman or man is open to suspicion in American society, but any man
who can't resist a challenge can't be all bad in most men's minds.
It's a
complicated situation , because a hell of a lot of grownup
wanna-be Good ol', Bad ol' Boys would enjoy an opportunity to hit
and get hit, catch-as-catch-can and generally accept any challenge
that comes their way. In particular, men whose everyday lives lack
the zest it had before wives and family responsibilities limited the
opportunities previously open to them. There are too few outlets.
Society is not ready for bondage work-out rooms at the local gym or
bowling alley. Male Bonding need not necessarily be bar-room baseball
and back-room poker sessions ... or beating drums and howling at the
moon on trendy woodland weekend seminars.
There
are no easy answers to the problem for a man who, by nature,
would like to experiment tentatively in activities this book set out
to explore. Personally, even after almost half a century of having
fun getting tied up and tying up other people who like to get tied
up, I have very few practical, entry-level solutions to offer. The
diversity of elements which attract us mean that a different chemistry
works for each of us. Compatibility is a matter of luck and learned
judgement. I have no clear-cut route to suggest for you to follow,
but can only identify the different paths and encourage you to trust
your instincts. It is never easy to find a suitable play partner,
even for people experienced and tuned into the grapevine. Making exploratory
contacts with like-minded souls is, inevitably, a risky business ...
but not impossible. But, for any wise Hunter, knowing the territory
and knowing the nature of the beast (or various types of beast) is
essential to the game.
This book
can serve as a guide to the territory by describing what
other men have achieved or created for themselves. I have included
extracts from letters which describe games played at many different
skill levels and intensities ... with a range of different visual/dramatic
themes. To each his own. The name of the game is to be able to focus
on and admit to yourself your preferences ... and then, at an appropriate
time, to be able to explain them to someone else. A useful ace-in-the-hole
is a willingness to help someone else achieve their personal fantasy
by supplying their need, even if it does not particularly do much
for you. Various Bondage Buddy games range from being there to tighten
the final strap and tactfully retire to watch TV ... or to remain
and provoke. Just Being there can allow somebody to indulge in self-applied
bondage games which would be dangerous without having a helping hand
available in an emergency. From the lightest self-indulgent Pink
Cloud' comfort to the most rugged endurance challenges, they all benefit
from outside help being available. Contributing to someone else's
fantasy can often result in the favour being returned.
The choice
is yours. Although many different Scenarios' are described
in the following chapters, this is not an encyclopaedia of physical
restraint games. My advice is to make note of any hint and tip or
casual reference which Pushes any button in your brain. Decide on
your own objectives ... then, by using your own initiative, learn
to communicate. Be reasonably specific but be open to new alternatives
during negotiations. Be able to say Thanks but no thanks ... but
don't slam too many doors before you know for sure what's on the other
side. In this ball-park successful game-players need to bring to it
their own creative intelligence plus organisational skills, a desire
to take risks and guts. There are many men around the country who
find ways to play the sort of games I like to play ... the sort of
not necessarily sexual, slightly dangerous, heavily exhausting but
ultimately exhilarating games ... the games I'm talking about do not
have names.
END
CHAPTER THREE
CONTINUE
to chapter four
BACK
to contents of "So I Like To Get Tied-up ... So What!!?"